He is after my heart.

Happy 25.

Posted in Life, Loss, Love, Pictorial by Anna on January 1, 2013

2013-01-01 20.31.04

I miss you so much, dear girl.

“Some day, maybe soon, maybe not for a long time, but some day.”

Hello again

Posted in Excerpt, Life by Anna on November 25, 2012

It’s been a long, long time, and to be honest I sort of forgot (as I do most things) that this little log of mine existed. God has been doing tremendous things in my life since I last wrote, and all I can say is… it is grace. It is grace to know and see that I am held in the hand of my King.

Anyway, I came here to share this because this woman encourages me to go when- and wherever God calls me:

13 hearts are growing into women under my roof and need more and more of Mom, more and more of His truth. I sit, erase the to-do list from my mind and will myself to be present, to be available. The gate opens again and again and the phone rings and all these people, they just want to know that they are not alone in their hurt, just want to be heard.

So many hearts to tend.

Who is God on the days when love just doesn’t feel like enough?

I have been reading through the book of Revelation. I’ll be honest, even after reading several commentaries and looking up lots of Greek words, there are parts of it that I just can’t quite wrap my mind around. I think this is ok. How marvelous to serve a God who is so much more magnificent than I can even comprehend! What I have noticed though is that through all of it, a few things remain constant regardless of tribulation and destruction.

God is on the throne. All the angels and all elders and all the saints and all the believers are gathered at His feet. And they can’t stop worshiping Him. They can’t stop worshiping Him. Forever.

And so this week life is hard and it is heavy. Because I love so many and I want them to know Him and I want Him to heal them. I want the hurt to be over, but I know that one day, it will be. And in the mean time I just ask it, I beg it, that we would be people who cannot stop worshiping the Lamb who is worthy.

God, you are all that we need. We wait, long, for you.


Posted in Life, Loss, Reflections by Anna on March 19, 2012

I have been chosen since before the creation. It is nothing personal because it is God’s choice… The path is chosen, the light shining, and the outcome secure.

It surprises me that 2.5 years after I lost Grace, I’m still in need of healing. Nearly all of the time, I’m good; there was a time when I didn’t think I could laugh forreals again, but these days, that prophetic phrase that was given to me – ‘when I laugh I feel His pleasure’ – holds true once more. It’s only in the far betweens now that a wave of her absence, and an awareness of how much that year sucked… hits – and I’m back there, and it still sucks.

During that painful season, Christ seemed far from me. What I know now to be true was hidden from me. In my deep despair, I slept half my life away in order to escape it. I did what I wanted. I loved sin. Reason hardly stood a chance.

It was a long while before I felt this way, but this is the truth: God kept me near, and did not abandon me. He gave me all the time in the world to come around, because although I might have been in a rush to feel better, he wasn’t (still isn’t) in a rush to do work on me. He is that big. That able. He cares about us. He draws us out of the deep.

What I wasn’t sure of, I became sure of: His blood is able to cover all the sin that cultivated the suck. It’s wholly his doing. This is why we hope.

To the tune of the gentleness of Christ, my faith was refined the most through the worst. So, it surprises me that I hurt still, but it’s no doubt I always shall; those waves crash every now and then because I must remember what Christ has done for me. I praise God for being God in the midst of evil days. Indeed, what is loss, but Grace to help us hope better.

we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

‘Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?’ Then I said, ‘I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.’ I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph.

(1. Tim’s writings; 2. Romans 8:23; 3. John 14:27; 4. Psalm 77:8-15)

Thoughts from today

Posted in Excerpt, Life by Anna on February 27, 2012

1. In Luke 14 Jesus’ sword is the Word, but Satan also employs the power of the Word in his attempt to sway Jesus. If we, who haven’t yet fully taken on Jesus’ likeness, are much weaker than the Lamb, and give in to the world at least 100% more than the Lamb, then we must be of the camp that devotes itself to the study of the Word so that we will know the difference between the enemy’s sword and our Sword.

2. Aileen, whose most cherished possessions at 13 are her library and closet, is reading Crazy Love with her youth group right now. One of her responses to the chapter on the profile of the lukewarm Christian went something like this:

Me: Did you see yourself in any of the descriptions of a lukewarm Christian?
Aileen: Yeah… “Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor.” When I read that, I thought about how when Mom sets things outside for the donations truck, I never pick out my favorite books or clothing to give away. I always pick out the things I’ll never read again, or the clothes I’ll never wear again.
Me: So you think you should pick out the best things?
Aileen: (pause, slight cock of the head) Yeah.

I’m confident that she will have treasure in heaven.

3. I keep coming back to this article when I think about conversations with Aileen: How to Influence a Younger Christian


It is not meet you know how Caesar loved you.
You are not wood, you are not stones, but men,
And, being men, hearing the will of Caesar,
It will inflame you; it will make you mad.
‘Tis good you know not that you are his heirs,
For, if you should – Oh, what would come of it!

+ Shakespeare, Julius Caesar


For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another.

+ Job 19:25-27


Posted in Life, Reflections by Anna on January 25, 2012

Currently swimming in Bethel’s Loft Sessions.

You therefore must be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect.

So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

Finishing up a reading of the gospels… I don’t think I ever took Jesus’ call to be perfect seriously. What I mean is, I took it as a “Be perfect, even though you can’t,” or a “Be perfect, I’ll give you grace for it.”

Even though there’s nothing untrue about either of those sentiments, I’m being taught that the call to perfection is quite literal. If I choose Christ, then I have to choose purity and love 490 out of 490 times. And I have to walk in a way that proclaims Truth.

But have I chosen Christ? In the short time that I’ve been working, I’ve stored up much for myself – but on earth. Why do I let my lamp go out when I don’t know if tomorrow comes? Did I not count the cost, or do I think I’m the exception? If I want to follow Christ, can I literally sell all the worthless – yet, don’t I count it – treasure I’ve collected and give my – surely, vast – wealth to the poor? Can I earnestly seek to stop dipping one foot back into the world, or do I consider his teaching too hard or the cost too great?

If I really believe that Jesus is the best thing that will ever happen to us, then there is no other response but to say “yes” to him. Jesus, keep me.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

And he said to them, “When I sent you out with no moneybag or knapsack or sandals, did you lack anything?” They said, “Nothing.”

And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.

(1. Matthew 5:48; 2. Luke 14:33; 3. Matthew 11:29; 4. Luke 22:35; 5. Luke 21:27)